Looking back, I have always known that I wanted to be a mom. I also knew that I would be a working mom. Some women grow up wanting to be stay at home moms...that is just something that I never thought I'd want to do. I would need that adult interaction and I would want to be busy. However, now that the time is here, I can wholeheartedly say that being a working mom stinks.
Please don't take that wrong.
What I mean by that, is that I feel awful being away from Ayden. I never thought that it would be so difficult to leave him and go to work for 8 hours. Along with being anxious, I feel guilty, insufficient, disconnected, and apathetic.
Going back to work was difficult on multiple levels. I knew going back into the classroom, that things were not going to be where I wanted them to be and that I would have to play catch up. I was very geared up on Monday night- it felt like I was starting the school year over again. The first day jitters were in full effect and I was nervous. Although I knew I would need to go in and "whip the kids back into shape", I had no motivation whatsoever. The clock ticking away was all my mind could focus on. Just knowing that I could see his smile in 8 hours; my mind was very preoccupied.
Beyond that, I feel terribly guilty and insufficient as a mom, wife, and teacher. The guilt of not being with him and paying someone else to care for him is excruciating. My heart hurts to think that someone else gets to hug, kiss, hold, and care for him throughout the day. Now, I know that he is in the best of care with Miss Gina (who is amazing by the way) but it still breaks my heart to know that someone else gets to do my job- and even more, I'm paying them to do so. I hate the thought that I could miss something that he does. I'm missing every smile, nap, giggle, coo...everything. I know that my time with him is precious because it won't last forever. This is time that I will forever wish I had back.
On top of missing him, I have the guilt of "if only". If only I had planned better, maybe I'd be able to stay home. If only I could go part time and stay with him. If only we didn't have so many bills, then we could afford for me to stay with him. If only, if only, if only. I know that Ayden won't be mad or upset that I went back to work. It will be all he knows and I am sure that someday he will understand that although I wanted to be with him, I had to do what I did for him. Even knowing all of these things doesn't make leaving this face any easier. I will, however, take full advantage of the time I have with him.
I can relate 100%. I always believed I would just be a mom and a teacher. And when the time came, I felt all those same things. Know that it will get a little easier with time. You will have good and bad days and reminders of why you love teaching. I'll be praying that you get the opportunity to be a stay at home mama!
ReplyDeleteI honestly can say that my first day back at work after having my son was the hardest day of my life! I think I spent over half the day in tears. Luckily, I only had to do it for a month, but it does get easier with time, not that it's ever easy. Good luck!!!
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog on accident and since Austin is my maiden name I like it even more.
ReplyDeleteI am expecting my first child- a boy, in June, and I am already struggling with the fact that I will have to go back to work. Well for the first year or so. I hate thinking I'll miss special moments with him. Keep posting on how you balance it! Really encouraging to hear I'm not alone in a sea of stay at home moms!