Reflection of the first week

Well the time has come... time for me to go back to work. I can say that I made it through the first week. Barely.

Looking back, I have always known that I wanted to be a mom. I also knew that I would be a working mom. Some women grow up wanting to be stay at home moms...that is just something that I never thought I'd want to do. I would need that adult interaction and I would want to be busy. However, now that the time is here, I can wholeheartedly say that being a working mom stinks.

Please don't take that wrong.

What I mean by that, is that I feel awful being away from Ayden. I never thought that it would be so difficult to leave him and go to work for 8 hours. Along with being anxious, I feel guilty, insufficient, disconnected, and apathetic.

Going back to work was difficult on multiple levels. I knew going back into the classroom, that things were not going to be where I wanted them to be and that I would have to play catch up. I was very geared up on Monday night- it felt like I was starting the school year over again. The first day jitters were in full effect and I was nervous. Although I knew I would need to go in and "whip the kids back into shape", I had no motivation whatsoever. The clock ticking away was all my mind could focus on. Just knowing that I could see his smile in 8 hours; my mind was very preoccupied.

Beyond that, I feel terribly guilty and insufficient as a mom, wife, and teacher. The guilt of not being with him and paying someone else to care for him is excruciating. My heart hurts to think that someone else gets to hug, kiss, hold, and care for him throughout the day. Now, I know that he is in the best of care with Miss Gina (who is amazing by the way) but it still breaks my heart to know that someone else gets to do my job- and even more, I'm paying them to do so. I hate the thought that I could miss something that he does. I'm missing every smile, nap, giggle, coo...everything. I know that my time with him is precious because it won't last forever. This is time that I will forever wish I had back.

On top of missing him, I have the guilt of "if only". If only I had planned better, maybe I'd be able to stay home. If only I could go part time and stay with him. If only we didn't have so many bills, then we could afford for me to stay with him. If only, if only, if only. I know that Ayden won't be mad or upset that I went back to work. It will be all he knows and I am sure that someday he will understand that although I wanted to be with him, I had to do what I did for him. Even knowing all of these things doesn't make leaving this face any easier. I will, however, take full advantage of the time I have with him.

On the upside...

Last night, like the rest of the country, I decided to play the PowerBall. Well, much to my dismay, I didn't win. After checking my numbers this morning, I was almost bummed out that I didn't even win the $4 prize. (pathetic I know) As I put my phone down, I turned around to see my wonderful husband still sleeping in our bed. At his feet, the dog was completely passed out (and snoring), and the video monitor showed a very sleepy baby in his crib.

In that moment, it hit me. I didn't need to win $336,440,000. I've already won.

Yeah, it still would have been nice. :-P

You're welcome from the middle working class

Disclaimer: I am not out to judge anyone or offend but I have a very strong feeling about this and would love someone to explain why things are the way they are. Feel free to enlighten me.

Today around two o'clock, I had to get a few things for dinner. I knew I couldn't spend a lot because I am no longer getting paid for my maternity leave. I had to use all of my sick days and if I wanted to stay out longer than my sicks days lasted (no longer than 12 weeks) I had to go without pay. Luckily I have a wonderful husband that does extra work to make this barely possible. So as I'm getting the generic brands and only the bare essentials, I wished I had coupons for the stuff I was buying. Just so that you know, I was getting some lunch meat, cheese, sauerkraut, milk, and bread. When I finally got that, I went over to the kitchenware and drooled over these containers I'm dying to get for my pantry. The "Mainstays" 4-pack of acrylic canisters were $19.97 so I decided against getting them.

As I got to the check out, I noticed a family with two carts full of ginger ale bottles, Coke bottles, Twinkies, and other junk food. I was surprised by all of the junk but hey, who am I to say what people should eat? As I stood there waiting my turn, I was shocked when the total was $198.87. That's a lot of money. Honestly, that's almost as much as I pay for my school loans each month- so yeah, it's a lot of money to me. I wondered how this family could spend so much money on such a terrible diet and then there it was. She pulled out the ACCESS card and paid the bill. She only had to pay $32.65 for her stuff. Oh! And she paid with a 100 dollar bill.

At this point, I was a bit annoyed and took a minute to remind myself that I didn't know their situation. The unemployment rates are high and times are hard so I shouldn't assume that these people are using the system. Then it was my turn to pay. After being rung up, the cashier told me the total was $34.79. At this point, I paid and actually felt guilty for buying a pack of hangers for Ayden's clothes and the Prego Three Cheese Spaghetti sauce. I really didn't need the sauce tonight.

As I'm leaving to pack the car up and go home, I see that same family loading their junk food into a brand new Chevy Avalanche. Now I'm not an expert on truck pricing, but I do know that Chevy Avalanche trucks are not cheap. Needless to say, I became annoyed again.

Again, I'm not trying to judge anyone or offend anyone either but I do not understand how I have two college degrees and can barely pay for the those degrees, let alone all the other bills. Now, if you've read my previous blogs, you know I'm not one to complain about my bills and that's not the point of this blog. I am thankful for the house, car, and things I have and I work hard to pay for those things. What I am annoyed by is that I do work very hard and can barely pay for the things I have. I do not have extravagant things, nor do we waste money on pointless things. I do not understand how working hard in high school to go to college (and paying for it), then getting a good job, getting married to a respectable man, getting a Master's degree, and planning a family means that I have too much money to get help. And yet people that have multiple children they don't take care of to multiple men,  no jobs, and ambition to better themselves can have groceries paid for and extravagant cars?

Like I said, I'm not trying to offend. I only want an explanation. How is the system so messed up that people that make this world better don't get a break at all? How is it that people can manipulate the system to benefit themselves when there are truly people that need help? How are there no checks and balances to keep this from happening? More importantly, how can this issue be resolved to serve the purpose these means were originally created for?