The Dance...12 years later

Today will always be a somewhat challenging day. Even after this amount of time, I haven't been able to explain to others why it still strikes a chord but I can only say to them "I'm okay, just remembering."

Twelve years ago today, Kenny was taken from this life. Kenny was a very close high school friend and after graduation, we started dating. Call it first love syndrome or whatever but that was the end of it for both of us. We planned to be together forever. God had other plans in mind.

Even after all this time, I still remember August 1st, 2001 like it was yesterday. I can walk you through my every move that day until the point of finding out that Kenny was gone. The days/weeks after that are very blurry and I still find things out that I didn't know happened before. Either way, that was the first death that hit me hard and stays with me today.

I'm not writing to say about how hard it was or is. I could never explain to someone that's never been there how truly difficult it really is. The sick feeling you get the first morning after you hear the news just praying it's been a terrible nightmare. The hopeless feeling that sits in the pit of your stomach knowing there were so many other things to do. No words can be used to describe the feeling of losing someone that you deeply love. It's the worst pain that doesn't go away with any medicine or treatment.

What I'm writing to say is that I learned from it...from Kenny. Now, I've changed quite a bit in the past 12 years and I'm sure some of his messages to me have gotten a bit twisted but there are things that have stuck in my thick skull.

1. Don't take life too seriously. I remember a time in high school, only a few weeks left before graduation and Kenny was walking the halls. I'm not sure exactly what he was doing at the time but either way, he was caught. A young and pretty teacher was going to write him up and she was very angry with him. So what else would you do but propose to the cute teacher in the middle of the hallway? Yep, he did. And of course, in true Kenny fashion, it backfired and he got into more trouble. I know that really "crushed his spirit" in school but he didn't let it get him down. He was a goof and enjoyed making people laugh in any way they can. I'm sure "Meghan" looks back now, remembers that story and laughs.

2. Show love with energy. Kenny was a very caring guy. He was able to make friends with just about anyone and have as much energy as they had. One time, we were in the mall with my mom and sister. Mom, being the mini-mayor of Chambersburg, ran into someone she knew that had two young boys with him. They started talking and the boys were getting restless. Kenny just jumped right in and was pushing the boys around in their stroller, keeping them busy for as long as it took for the parents to chat with my mom. He never thought to treat them like he was older or more mature, he had no problem just adjusting to their level and catering to what they needed. Not to mention the favorite picture of him at a family birthday party. Chels on one knee and Gordon on the other. Their party hats are on their faces like duck bills. Who knows why? Just because he could.

3. "Garth Brooks was a wise man". This is what Kenny wrote to me in our last real letter. See, we didn't have fancy methods of communicating back in the day. We wrote notes. On paper. With pen or pencil. And then folded them up in the craziest ways that I still remember how to do. Then put them in someone's locker for them to get who knows how long after. And I wouldn't trade those notes for a million bucks. In Kenny's last letter, he wrote the lyrics to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. Shocked me because Kenny wasn't really a country fan but the words still reign true to me today.

"I guess I didnt' know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives, are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'da had to miss, the dance..."

That song still gives me chills and makes me remember that I'm still here for a reason. There is something else I'm here to do and although there will be pain when I go, I would have had to miss this wonderful life to miss the pain. Just like him. It was very painful to deal with him being taken and I didn't know how to deal with that. But I would have to give up all those wonderful moments to miss this pain. And I wouldn't give this memory of him away. He was a wonderful man and is missed all the time. Love you 56.